BonitaBolton.com

For as long as I can remember, my life has been marked by goals. There was always another finish line waiting: graduate from high school, earn my college degree, earn my graduate degree, begin my career, become a leader, reach Vice President before 30, Senior Vice President not long after, get married, have children…the list continued to grow. Every time I reached one milestone, I simply moved the goalpost and set my sights on the next.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with ambition. In many ways, those goals shaped me into the woman I am today. I’m deeply grateful for the opportunities I’ve had, the career I’ve built, and the family I’ve prayed for. But somewhere along the way, I realized that while I was diligently pursuing the life I believed I was supposed to build, I had quietly relegated the things that truly made me come alive to the margins. The passions that felt most like gifts from God were squeezed into whatever space remained, only to be tucked away again whenever they threatened to interfere with “the plan.”

Even as a college student with few real responsibilities, I worked as though the weight of the world rested on my shoulders. I approached life with a relentless sense of responsibility, always preparing for the next season that would require more of me. While many people spent those years discovering themselves, I spent mine proving myself.

Looking back, I can see that achievement quietly became part of my identity. I wasn’t simply accomplishing things, I was measuring my worth by them. Every degree, promotion, and milestone became evidence that I was “enough.” Without realizing it, perfectionism and people-pleasing became key parts of my personality. I confused excellence with perfection, productivity with purpose, and approval with acceptance.

The irony is that, as a Christian, I already knew the truth. I knew my identity was rooted in Christ. I believed it with my mind, but too often I lived as though my worth still had to be earned. I spent years striving to become someone God had already declared me to be.

I don’t live with regrets. Every season has served a purpose, and God has been faithful through them all. But I have occasionally wondered what might have happened if I had chosen joy as intentionally as I chose achievement. What if I had given myself the gift of self-exploration? What if I had trusted that the gifts God placed within me weren’t distractions from my purpose, but part of it?

As I approach my 40th birthday, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the life God has given me. But even more than gratitude, I feel expectation. I believe God is revealing His purpose for my life in a deeper and more significant way than ever before.

I recently read that millennial women around the world aren’t experiencing midlife crises, we’re experiencing Personal Renaissances. I couldn’t think of a more fitting description.

This doesn’t feel like the closing of a chapter. It feels like an invitation to pursue the gifts God has placed inside me.  Not because they validate my worth, but because they reflect the One who gave them to me.

I don’t look back on my youth believing I missed my chance. Instead, I see this season as the perfect time to embrace it. I now have the gift of perspective. I can pursue my passions with the depth that comes from lived experience, the compassion that comes from knowing both profound sorrow and immeasurable joy, and the wisdom that nearly four decades of growth can offer. At the same time, I hold onto the humility of knowing that 40 is still young. There is still so much to learn and so much of God to discover.

As I enter my forties, I feel as though God is gently releasing the weight I’ve unknowingly carried for decades. The need to prove myself. The pressure to perform. The fear of disappointing others. The perfectionism that disguised itself as excellence. The people-pleasing that masqueraded as kindness.

For the first time, I truly understand that my identity is not found in my title, my résumé, my accomplishments, or the expectations I’ve fulfilled. My identity is rooted in Christ. My value has never been determined by what I achieve but by whose I am.  Now I can pursue my passions, not to prove my worth, but because they are an expression of the gifts God has given me.

More than anything, I want my daughters to witness this season of my life. I want them to see what it looks like to honor Christ not only through hard work and sacrifice, but through authenticity, joy, courage, and faithful stewardship of the gifts He has placed within them. I want them to know they never have to earn the love of God or prove their value through accomplishments. I want them to see a mother who is fully herself, because she knows exactly who and whose she is.

So, as I step into my forties, I’m not chasing another finish line, but instead, I’m finally learning to enjoy the race.  For the first time, I’m pursuing my passions not to prove they make me enough, but because through Christ, I always have been.